Jacksonville, Florida
December 18, 2003

Thanks to for the results

Things begin with a recap of last week’s Main Event that saw WWE Champion Brock Lesnar defeat former Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio in a hard fought contest that ended with a post-match run-in from none other than the supposedly suspended “Hardcore” Bob Holly.

“I want it all…” raps the dude in the opening credits, but I don’t want it all, just the Ric Flair DVD set, a Nidia action figure and oh yeah, that cool-ass new John Cena shirt featuring the classic WWF logo remodeled without the F. It’s the one homeboy’s wearing now as he kicks off the show proper by flipping the Smackdown theme for his own Basic Thuganomics and marching down to the ring. “Yo, yo, yo… ‘Tis the season to be spreading love and holiday cheer” says America’s favorite rappin’ wrestler before busting out an X-rated Christmas rhyme about getting it on with Mrs. Claus. Yet another moment where I’m glad I’m not watching with kids – or my own parents for that matter.

Cena gives Tazz one of those bad ass shirts, but has nothing for Michael “Soulpatch” Cole. The fans behind the announce table spaz out for Cena as the giant he’ll face next week in Iraq – The Big Show – emerges with his wee, little, U.S. Championship slung over his shoulder. Cena and Show engage in a stare-down as Show’s opponent in this non-title match – the seldom seen Orlando Jordan – makes his ring entrance. Seems to me the last time we saw Jordan on Smackdown he was also fighting Big Show and The Giant had to leave the ring holding his ass, suffering from the effects of the Bad Burrito Eddie Guerrero gave him. So I guess this is something of a feud between these two. Let’s go Jordan!

As Cole does his best to put himself over as “Shoelace” O.J. attacks Big Show from behind. He does alright for a moment or two, but falls prey to the big man’s power, getting slammed and covered for a 2 count. Show lifts Orlando’s head to inflict more damage before wrapping this thing up. Show makes for a chokeslam and Jordan scrambles out, only to get caught back up a moment later and hammered back down like Howard Dean’s momentum for the pin and the win. “That’s good night Irene,” Cena weighs in. The U.S. Champ attempts to goad Cena into stepping into the ring right now, but the Prototype demurs, “Next week!”

Backstage and Hardcore Holly is trying to sneak in without a ticket when a Bald Security Dude stops him. Things are getting testy when a whole band of security guys show up and confirm that Heyman has invited Spark Plugg to the building and insisted he have his own security detail and private room. Posh.

Back from the break, and Prince Albert the A-Train is in the ring with Tough Enough alum Matt Morgan, WWE Champion Brock Lesnar and Smackdown General Manager Paul Heyman. Seems Albert’s been summoned so Brock can say something to his face. The Champ reflects that he beat Rey Mysterio and made the little guy tap. Says he’s The Greatest WWE Champion In History. Says he missed Train’s match against Shannon Moore last week and so he asks Morgan what happened. Morgan – who is the size of a fire truck – tattles and says Train lost the match 1-2-3, costing Team Lesnar a lot of cash (in wagers with the F.B.I.)

Lesnar can’t hardly believe the news and demands to see the footage. It plays and sure enough, there’s tiny little Shannon Moore rolling Train up like a big, ugly carpet. Brock demands answers and Albert says: “I’m sorry. For two weeks in a row, I let you down.” Wow, it’s the softer, more sensitive side of A-Train.

Paul E. Dangerously interjects to say that the WWE Board of Directors (whoever the hell they are – Patterson and Briscoe? Slaughter? Harvey Whippleman?) has reinstated Hardcore Holly and the blonde sociopath will fight tonight in what Paul calls “The Final Fate of Hardcore Holly.” Originally, Heyman was set to schedule a handicap match, pitting Holly against Morgan and A-Train. (Someone in the crowd gets in the Line of the Night yelling: “That’s not fair.”) But now Paulie has a better idea: Hardcore and Shannon Moore versus Morgan and Train. If Holly wins he gets a title shot, if he loses, it will cost him his job. Drama!

Mad shout-outs and much love to all who wrote with good wishes after I reported last week that I had taken ill. I’m feeling much better now, the rum seems to be working.

Next up is the four-way tag match for the WWE tag-team titles. Los Guerreros are first out, but their low-rider pick-up truck gets stuck and Eddie and Chavo are forced to abandon it near the top of the ramp. WWE has the worst luck with motor vehicles. Michael Cole informs us that Eddie appears on the cover of this month’s Low-Rider Magazine and that in fact, he’s the first man to do so.

Next out, in order, are The World’s Greatest Tag Team, Too Cool V.2.0 and WWE Tag Team Champions The Basham Brothers. Shaniqua accompanies her charges, this week wearing a dynamite white PVC number. I don’t care what folks might say, she can discipline me anytime.

Michael Cole reminds us repeatedly that The Bashams don’t have to be pinned to lose their belts. The winners – and champions – will be the first team to score a pin over anyone. And while that doesn’t exactly seem fair, it don’t matter as the bell rings and the terrific four-corner action kicks off with Danny Basham staring down Rikishi. A big “EDDIE!” chant from the crowd gives Danny the idea to slap Latino Heat for the blind tag and Fatu proves himself early by serving up both Guerreros with a double suplex. When Chavo and Eddie end up squashed and sitting in the corner, The Kish makes as though to go for a Double Stinkface, but Los Guerreros scramble to the outside. Smart move there.

TWGTT decides to get involved and Scotty 2 Hotty gets tossed around with some wicked suplexes from the always awesome Shelton “All About The” Benjamin. Eddie leaps into the fray with a double flying head-scissors freak out on both Bashams and when the Baldies end up in the corner, a chuckling Eddie can’t think of anything better to do than tag in Rikishi Fatu. The Fat Man is set to drop the Double Stinkface when TWGTT leap into the ring. In a great moment, even Benjamin and Haas step out of the way so that The Kish can nail the S&M lovin’ freaks with the much anticipated Double Stinkface as we go to commercial.

Back and Shelton Benjamin is working over Doug Basham. John Holmes look a-like Scotty 2 Hotty gets the blind tag off Shelton – and to a tremendous pop from the crowd – proceeds to do The Most Appalling Move In Sports Entertainment, The Worm! The action spills outside the ring as referee Nick Patrick loses control of the proceedings. The Bashams isolate Scotty and get a 2-count that’s broken up by Shelton Benjamin. TWGTT and The Bashams proceed to take turns beating the crap out of 2 Hotty, which makes me wonder if this is the start of a major Face turn for both teams. I know I’m cheering them on.

Chavo comes in off a crossbody and Eddie does his three-rolling-vertical suplexes before staggering into a high kick to the chin from Rikishi, who is far too limber for a man his size. A flurry of kicks and flips follows as Michael Cole screams: “Smackdown style getting it done on Thursday!” There’s a big pile up in the corner and the finish comes 15 minutes after the bell rang as Chavo nails a superplex on one Basham, only to get splashed and rolled up for the pin by the other – fooling stupid referee Nick Patrick. Michael Cole is livid.

Backstage and Paul Heyman is hangin’ with Dawn Marie, who is dressed like Vampirella and looking hotter than she has ever before appeared on WWE television. Paul is going on about something and the only words I catch are “best show on television” because I’m still checking out Dawn Marie’s, um, outfit. Turns out Paulie has a big “tumbler” – he keeps saying “tumbler” filled with plastic ping-pong balls. On every ball is written the name of a WWE Smackdown Superstar. Later, he will draw one name and the wrestler who’s name is chosen will receive a title shot against The Greatest Champion Of All Time – TONIGHT! Paulie spins the tumbler like a madman while Dawn Marie looks hot and we got to commercial.

Back and Lamont is in the ring hyping the crowd for this week’s appearance of Ernest “The Cat” Miller. Krista starts to complain and we almost get into a fight as I make the stupid mistake of trying to “shush” her. Bad idea. Anyhoo, out comes The Cat and he’s dancing and doing his thing and wearing a terribly unflattering black polyester Elvis jumpsuit. Tazz mumbles something about The Flying Elvises that causes Sonny Siaki to spit up his drink somewhere in Nashville.

Sable comes out – apparently painted black from the neck down – and demands to know just what in the hell The Cat was thinking last week when he sexually assaulted her in the ring. The Cat spouts some nonsense and threatens to unleash his “Cat sugar” when all of a sudden things get all…

“NO CHANCE – That’s what you’ve got!” as The Chairman Of The Board Vincent Kennedy McMahon makes his triumphant return to Smackdown!

“First of all – Nobody puts their hands on Sable but me!” growls Mr. McMahon, causing Linda McMahon to spit up her drink somewhere in Connecticut. Vince and The Cat argue over which of them is The Greatest Performer Of All Time and seem to decide to settle the dispute with a good ol’ fashioned Dance Off. Vince begins dancing like a maniac (“He looks like Elaine from Seinfield.” – Tazz) before sneaking behind Miller and kicking off The Smackdown Theme Of The Night: Ball Shots! by nailing Miller square in the “yambag.”

“Somebody better call The Cat’s momma!” – VKM.

The “Smack Of The Night” (only in wrestling) shows Jamie Noble using his “temporarily blind” girlfriend Nidia as a foreign object a couple of weeks back.

Rey Rey jumps out of the sky and he’s followed by his opponent for this Number One Contender for The Cruiserweight Title Match – Jamie Noble Boy! Jamie is accompanied by Nidia who’s back to wearing the ugly phaux-fur coat again. Her hair is also back to looking wet and curly, which is a shame after how nice it looked the last couple of weeks.

Bell rings and the fighters lock up. Jamie San does a couple cartwheels before being tossed with a Monkey Flip by Rey. Mysterio misses on a huricanranna, but nails another Monkey Flip. This time though, the redneck lands on his feet, takes control and gets a quick 2 count before wrapping Rey Jr. into a sort of modified Camel Clutch. The action keeps up in the fast and furious style the Cruiserweight’s are renowned for as Noble ties Mysterio up in the corner in the Tree of Woe. But his plans backfire as Rey sits up and Jamie spears the ringpost. A moonsault from Rey Rey scores him a near-fall, but Noble rallies and a series of pins and reversals leads to numerous 2-counts. Mysterio manages to hang Noble off the ropes, but when he goes for the dreaded 619, the country boy ducks and the San Diego native goes flying to the outside.

The shocking finish to the match comes as the dastardly Jamie Noble roughly grabs his blind girlfriend and tosses her into the ring. As the referee attempts to get her out, Noble dropkicks her into the official, who in turn spills into Mysterio. Jamie rushes in for the Tigerbomb, but Rey quickly reverses and rolls up the bastard for the 1-2-3.

Post-match and Jamie leads Nidia away, reassuring her Rey had grabbed her and thrown her into the match. A fan gets in the second best line of the night yelling: “He’s lying!”

Backstage and Hardcore warms up, surrounded by security. Josh “The Most Annoying Man In Wrestling” Matthews shows up with (I swear to god) highlights in his hair and I’m just certain he was one of the guys in O-Town. Holly tells Matthews he has no choice but to compete tonight – he wants that title shot. “I’m going to break your neck and I’m going to take your title.”

Personally, I’m hoping for a Matt Cappotelli run-in. Like that wouldn’t be awesome.

Somewhere backstage, Sean O’Haire is writing his name on a hundred ping-pong balls.

Back from commercial interruption and the Jacksonville Jaguars are in the audience. Whoever they are. A promo airs for the Smackdown: Bring The Pain videogame for the PS2 and it looks fantastic. Sure would be an awesome thing to get someone for Christmas. Yep, sure would.

Chris “The Rabid Wolverine” “The Canadian Crippler” “The Man Who Should Have Attacked Brock From Out Of The Crowd Last Week” Benoit emerges for his match. He’s followed out by his opponent – Chucky P., joined by his fellow F.B.I. cronies Nunzio and Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli. Benoit – being a bit of a nutjob – goes after all three goombah’s, but gets beaten down and the ref is forced to send Nunzio and Stamboli back to the locker room. Bell rings and Chucky P. comes out with some hard offence, driving Benoit into the corner and working over his surgically repaired neck. Tazz mentions U.S. troops capturing Saddam Hussein and in the Segue Of The Night, compares it to the manner in which Palumbo has “captured the head of Chris Benoit.” Brilliant!

Benoit manages to get away and decimates Chuck’s shoulder with a spinning arm bar. The Rabid Wolverine continues to dominate, nailing his three successive German suplexes and going upstairs for a flying headbutt to Chuck’s injured shoulder. Nonetheless, it’s all only good enough for 2. The finish comes mere moments later however, as Benoit manages to lock on the dreaded Crippler Crossface and Chucky P. taps like Gregory Hines. Nunzio and The Bull return post-match and though The Crippler holds them off briefly, he’s felled by a stiff boot from Billy’s former longtime companion.

Backstage and Nidia is being looked at by a Pudgy Trainer. Jamie Noble is nowhere to be seen as Rey Mysterio show up. My favorite TE gal freaks out and Rey starts yelling at her in Spanish – presumably trying to set straight what happened in the ring. Though I can’t tell for the life of me what either of them is saying, it seems that Nidia refuses to believe Rey and tells him to leave. It was just like those Mexican soap operas on Telelatino. In a good way.

Back and we see a clip from Fox News showing Olympic Hero and Former WWE Champion Kurt Angle signing autographs for the troops in Iraq. That was the longest I’ve ever watched Fox News.

Back in the arena and Rhyno calls out Bradshaw, saying they’re one-and-one so far in their legendary feud and he wants his “rubber match.” I hope this means the tie-breaker and that it’s not some weird stipulation. Anyway, Soulpatch points out that everyone knows Bradshaw’s already off waging war against the insurgents on the frontlines in Iraq so there’s no way he could be here tonight.

When, sure enough, Bradshaw doesn’t emerge, Rhyno demands that he be crowned victor by forfeit. For a moment it looks like Stupid Referee Nick Patrick is actually going to go along with this until The APA’s music hits and out comes Farooq Asad. Rhyno freaks like it’s Terry Funk carrying a chainsaw and runs from the ring.

Rhyno fears Farooq?

Bell rings and Ron Simmons dominates the ECW Legend. Rhyno tries to leave at one point and Farooq drags him back and tosses him back in. The Man Beast shows some fire and retaliates, choking the former WCW Champion on the ropes. The crowd gets all over Rhyno’s back and he spazzes out, snarling “Shut-up!” Farooq gets a 2-count off a Spine Buster and Rhyno loses it and employs the Smackdown Theme Of the Night, nailing Simmons in the balls and drawing an immediate DQ. Rhyno still bothers to clobber Farooq with a Gore, but the match is done.

In the back and Dawn Marie still looks great. There’s a toast to the late Alsy Walsy in my living room. He may be gone, but he went with a smile. Paul speculates on who Brock could face – Next!

A Smack Your TV ad airs that I just don’t get at all. And you just know they paid soooo much money for those. Vince! Call Me! I have ideas!

Back and The Tumbler is in the ring, with Paul there to draw the name of the Smackdown Superstar that will face… Brock Lesnar!!! Lesnar marches to the ring and hops up to the apron as his pyro explodes. The Champ pulls a ping-pong ball from The Tumbler and gets upset. Says he wants to pull another name. Says he’s picked The Hottest Guy On Smackdown. Says he has to defend his title against… Shannon Moore! Hunh. I don’t want to start any nasty rumours here, but I think the draw might have been rigged.

The Lil’ MF’er emerges, still cradling his bruised-up ribs that have come from a month of being beaten up by the members of Team Lesnar. Bell rings and Moore goes to work quickly, kicking Brock repeatedly, like those skinny 16 year-old Thai kids you see kickboxing. The kicks look as though they hurt like hell, but it’s not like that’s gonna stop Brock Lesnar. The Pain flattens Moore with a massive clothesline before scooping him up and twisting him out of shape with his horrifying new finisher The Brock Lock. Moore taps like Sammy Davis Jr. on the main stage at The Sands in Vegas.

Laughing, the Champion makes his way over to The Tumbler “Wow, that was a close one for the Champ! You almost had me!” He proceeds to reveal that every one of the balls in The Tumbler had Shannon Moore’s name on it. He trashes The Tumbler and invites Hardcore to come on down for his match so that he can watch Holly’s career be destroyed.

Back from the final commercial break of the evening and “Hardcore” Bob Holly is being led down the ramp by the team of security officers Heyman has assigned him. Shannon Moore is still lying in the centre of the ring, blissfully dreaming of unicorns and rainbows and such. As Holly gets to ringside, the security detail changes their focus to protecting the Champion and surround Brock. The A-Train and Matt Morgan tear into the ring and jump Shannon Moore, isolating the cruiserweight as the ref attempts to control Holly. Michael Cole says that at this point he and Tazz could get in there and beat Moore and I think he’s half right.

A-Train taunts Hardcore as Soulpatch makes the odd comment that Holly’s injury cost him his marriage. Haven’t heard that! Train gets a 2-count, but Hardcore breaks up the pin. After seemingly hours of trying, Moore manages to get the hot-tag to Spark Plugg who goes buckwild and hits and awesome dropkick to Albert. Sealing the deal on the Smackdown Theme Of The Night, Hardcore follows by punching Prince Albert in the nutsack.

The Champion grabs a chair and clobbers Bob outside the ring. A-Train rolls him back under the ropes and Morgan powerbombs him but only gets a 2 on the pin attempt. The Massive Matt Morgan then cinches a bear hug, but Holly manages a counter. Train hits a bicycle kick that Holly ducks and Morgan catches square in the jaw. Hardcore scoops up Morgan for an Alabama Slam and that’s good enough for the pin and the win.

Brock Lesnar is one angry hombre. A shadow has fallen over Team Sasquatch.