May 1, 2003
Your announcers are Michael Cole and 'The Human Suplex Machine' Tazz
The show begins with the attack on Rey Mysterio from the Big Show where Big Show swung Mysterio into a pole while Mysterio lay on a board. Big Show did his best Barry Bonds impersonation, and Rey Mysterio did his best Louisville Slugger impersonation.
WWE Rewind. The Guerreros steal Team Angle's tag titles following their loss at Backlash.
Eddie and Chavo, The Guerreros defeat WWE Cruiserweight Champion Matt Hardy,Version 1.0 and #1 MF'er Shannon Moore (w/The Moore-on Crash Holly) in 4:40. Crash is now a MF'er in training, he is now the lackey's lackey, dubbed a Moore-on. Eddie and Shannon Moore start, Guerreros work on leg, hit what I've named 'the Latino Leg Roll,' Eddie tags, ref doesn't see the Moore-on Crash gets a shot in with the Matt Hardy book, Matt has a full nelson applied, Eddie get in a back suplex, makes tag, ref doesn't' t see (again.) Chavo comes in anyways and cleans house, Crash on apron, Chavo knocks him down, Eddie hits a Hurancanrana on Matt, hits one suplex, Moore stops the 2nd , Moore and Hardy hit a nice double team Samoan drop into swinging neck breaker. Sweet. Chavo runs in, give Matt a stolen tag belt to the head, Eddie's feeling froggie, Hardy gets a frog splash, for the 1,2,3. Good opener.
Post match: The real tag champs come out, Team Angle, and try taking their belts back, they're unsuccessful as a tug of war insues, the Latinos escape with the belts in hand
Mr. America's dressing room shown.
Josh "No personality" Matthews wonders who Mr. America is to Stephanie McMahon. Stephanie says she doesn't know, and that she signed him unseen, and that she beat Bischoff to the punch. Smart move Steph. How convenient. Team Angle arrives and complains about their stolen titles, they say Kurt will be mad if he finds out. Steph says that the Guerreros will give them back their titles after their match tonight. She then mentions that at Judgment Day there will be a LADDER MATCH for the tag titles. Team Angle is upset at this. Can't wait for that one.
Cole mentions that Rey is still going through tests, he has nerve damage. They run through the Big Show-Mysterio history.
Steph is seen coming out of Mr. America's locker room. She seems like she had seen a ghost, or that she's gonna throw up, either way, not good.
Mr. America promo. He'll be here tonight. Coulda fooled me.
Cole mentions that Big show has been ostracized from the locker room. They show Rey getting put in the ambulance. Tazz is disappointed with Big Show, and says one thing a wrestler does is never break the 'code.'
Big Show defeats Smackdown's number one announcer, Sho Funaki in 3:16. Before the match, Big Show says that everyone's telling him to pick on someone his own size, when there is no one his own size. He then claims his opponent is bigger then Mysterio. Well, he didn't say how much bigger. Funaki starts with some quick offense. Show throws him down. Stands on his neck. Funaki in the corner gets chopped, ouch. Big Show throws him outside. Cole and Tazz act upset towards him, Tazz says his problem is with the locker room not them. Show throws Funaki back in the ring. Funaki grabs his leg while climbing over the top, injures 'Little Show,' Funaki hits a dropkick, then a tornado DDT, Show kicks out with ease. Yeah the beginning of the end for Mr. Naki. Fu gets in a dropkick to the head. Show gives him boot to the face. Yeah, chalk another one up for Slow...I mean Show. He gets the two, but picks him up for the big chokeslam and holds him for 10 seconds. Puts him down. Well, looks like Big Show is showing sign of sypath...no, he clotheslines him. Goodnight Funaki. Show gets the 3.
Steph is in her office. Seems upset, looks like gas, a guy with a headset named Jason asks if she's ok. He informs her that Vince is on the way. Steph looks like she was just involved in a hit and run.
Cole thanks us for supporting WWE.com.
Big Show is walking backstage. He gets dirty looks from Bill DeMott, Tajiri, a ref, and the Trailerparkers. A-Train says not to worry.
Cena the Thugomaniac enters says he got robbed against Brock Lesnar, and that it was a miscarriage of justice. Cena gets some cheap heat on Red Sox. Cena claims that he made Brock tap in a headlock. Brian Kendrick enters with a HUGE clock on. States his name as Spanky Dawg, and that he came with a rap of his own. Cena gets referee Brian Hebner to give Kendrick a beat. Calls him a white ass punk. Earl Jr. then does a surprisingly good impression of a beat box. Funny. Spanky (Kendrick) then does his best impression of the Sugarhill Gang. "When I say Cena, you say sucks, Cena - SUCKS, Cena - SUCKS" Funny stuff here. Spanky then starts to pump the breaks for a second, Cena's had enough, and attacks him. Hits him with the F-U (get it F-5, F-U, oh forget it...) Cena hits the Death Valley Driver.
The FBI is the back playing dice. They're playing in a closet or something with some bald guy, they talk about beating Undertaker and Nathan Jones (this is one reason I love these guys, I mean they took Nathan Jones off our TV's, how could you not love them) Stamboli calls Benoit a gadonnchas or something like that.
They promote Mr. America on Pipers Pit. Yeah, we get it.
Chris Benoit and Johnny "The Bull" Stamboli (w/FBI Nunzio and Palumbo) fight to a no-contest in 5:10. Match stars off back and forth. Benoit attacks Palumbo outside, chops to Stamboli, Nunzio trips Benoit. Palumbo knocked down outside, Stamboli catches him coming in. Stamboli stomps Benoit in the corner. Stamboli with a Gorilla press is countered into a crossface, Stamboli roles to ropes, Stamboli gets 2, Stamboli locks in surfboard. Benoit powers out, gets 2, Benoit builds momentum, hits suplex, gets 2, Benoit reverse a clothesline into suplex, knocks down Palumbo (geez, Palumbo sure is taking a beating) Benoit hits headbutt, Nunzio in with a chair, Rhyno comes and hits Nunzio with the gore. Brian Hebner then makes it a tag team match between Rhyno/Benoit and the FBI - Palumbo and Stamboli.
FBI defeats Rhyno and Benoit in approx. 5:38. Come back from commercial, match in progress. Rhyno hits Palumbo in the corner, Palumbo tag, Stamboli hits clothesline, Nunzio still out from the gore, Rhyno hits belly to belly, tag to Benoit, double elbow to Stamboli. The human beatbox Brian Hebner says there was no tag, (third time tonight this has happened, hmm) Palumbo hits superkick, tag to Palumbo, shots to Rhyno's back in the corner, Palumbo continues to work on Rhyno's back, Benoit breaks up cover, tag to Stamboli, elbows to sternum, sends Rhyno out of the ring, Palumbo attacks back, gets two on Rhyno, he pounds back, gets bear hug, crowd solidly behind Rhyno, comes back, gets pounded for his efforts, Palumbo tagged in, Rhyno hits spinebuster, makes the tag, Benoit takes down both members of the FBI, German suplexes, pins Palumbo. Rhyno his the gore on Stamboli, ref's leg gets hit by the gore, stops the count, Nunzio reverses the Benoit pin on Palumbo, Palumbo gets the three.
Steph is seen calling Vince in the parking lot, Brock pulls up in his Hummer.
Kurt Angle promo airs saying he is life's true champion. I tend to agree. What a guy.
Here comes the pain. Lesnar comes down to the ring looking upset. Brock: No Gimmicks just Pain. (Good sign in the crowd. Make a nice T-shirt.) Lesnar gives kudos to Cena for one hell of a fight, but says he's looking for another fight, from the Big Show. He calls him gutless and asks if it made him feel like a bigger giant? Or is it because he knew Rey Mysterio had a bigger heart. In Big Show's defense, it was Mysterio that kept provoking him, and embarrassing him, I think he got what was coming to him, personally. Anyways, Lesnar isn't standing for bullying, and if Big Show wants to bully someone, he should bully him. Big Show comes outs and says he wants a title shot, Lesnar says fine, Show says alright but not tonight, he then walks away leaving Lesnar unhappy in the ring.
Team Angle defeat Two Jobbers named Walter and Stevens in about 2:00. I missed the first part of this match due to a washroom break. So Team Angle starts off hitting a double team on pink pants (I'm not sure who is who here, so pink pants it is), Red pants in, Benjamin gets in cheap shot, nice move. Haas hits an Atomic drop while Benjamin gets a super kick in for the squash.
Team Angle then demands they get titles back. Then Eddie comes in and says something about vaco macos or something. Eddie admits its wrong to steal, and they feel bad, they promise not to steal anything from them again, its true, its true. Team Angle celebrates getting there titles back, they say that Guerreros will never wear them again, and that they'll win the ladder match. The Guerreros then reveal that they have stolen Kurt's medals. Team Angle is distraught. Why did they have his medals in the first place, and something tells me those aren't the real medals, cause I remember the 1996 Olympic medals looked like coasters. Oh well.
Torrie, looking pretty nipley, tells Sable to get off her, and gets mad about the attack last week, and the lie she told Stacy at Backlash. They go into some more useless chatter.
Slam of the night - Torrie getting beat up last week by Dawn Marie and Nidia
Another Mr. America promo is shown. Yeah, we got the message loud and clear.
Nidia and Dawn Marie defeat Sable and Torrie Wilson in 3:45. Horrible Match. Nidia and Torrie start off, Nidia gets an early 2, Torrie gets in a neckbreaker, Dawn breaks it up, Nidia hits a clothesline. gets 2, Torrie gets a clothesline on dawn on apron, Nidia works on hamstring, makes tag, Dawn hits a Vader bomb. If Vader were dead, he'd be rolling in his grave. Dawn with a body slam, hits another Vader bomb. Great geez, now I know why Al's dead. She misses this time, Torrie goes for tag, Sable walks away. Didn't see that one coming. Dawn puts her in a single leg crab. Torrie taps out. What a waste of time.
Steph is still trying to get a hold of Vince, he pulls up. Vince wants to meet Mr. America, Vince said he heard he was 7 feet tall. Well, Vince should be in love.
Burn of the night - Piper getting a coconut in the face
Piper's Pit begins. Piper gets in a shot about Jericho not having any talent. He says that the new millennium wrestler is Sean O'Haire. Mr. America enters to, what else but, yup, "I am a Real American". Yes, it's Hulkster in a cheesy blue mask. Has anyone ever seen Cannonball Run, he looks exactly like Dom Delouise as Captain USA. It's a dirty job but somebody's got to do it. But whatever. Piper freaks out. Piper says something about everyone getting out of the pool. and its the land of the brave, home of the free, but he don't want no stupidity, he says everyone knows this is Hogan. Hogan says not to ever bad mouth the country from sea to shining sea, he is justice freedom and liberty for all but one thing he is not....is Hulk Hogan. Vince McAngry enters and says he suspended him and he doesn't want the fans cheering for him. Vince then states he's gonna send him back home and that Hulk Hogan is getting lawsuit. Vince then fires Mr. America, and says not to insult his intelligence. Hogan..err.. I mean Mr. America says the contract he signed says he can't be fired or suspended, so God bless America. Vince says he is going to prove its Hogan and rip the mask off. USA chant starts. Please don't bring back Hacksaw. America then says he has one last thing that hasn't been said, "Whatcha gonna do when the 24 inch Patriots run wild on you?" He then takes down all three and escapes. Fireworks go off, and Piper ducks like he's getting shot at, while Mr. America waves the American flag to end the show.