Raw is War
May 29, 2006
Will Triple H join the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass
By Ed Williams III
May 29, 2006
If you blinked during RAW, chances are you missed something big. In one of the craziest RAW’s in recent memory, Edge was named the No. 1 contender for the WWE Championship at Vengeance, Mr. McMahon named Jonathan Coachman as his new Executive Assistant, Rob Van Dam and Kurt Angle officially joined the ECW roster as Paul Heyman’s two draft picks, Johnny Nitro and Melina made their RAW debuts, Kane came face to face with…well…himself, and Triple H managed to defeat Kenny and thwart the entire Spirit Squad in the first-ever Spirit Jack Match. But perhaps the most shocking announcement came as RAW was just about to go off the air when Mr. McMahon told The Game he’d be joining the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club next week.
Mr. McMahon came out to the stage after Triple H managed to overcome the challenge of the Spirit Jack Match and congratulated The Game on his accomplishment. But the announcement that came out of the Chairman’s mouth after that left the King of Kings in a seething rage that made it look like his head would literally explode. Seconds later, RAW went off the air as Triple H was practically frothing at the mouth out of anger inside the ring. Will The Game actually do what Mr. McMahon says and literally kiss his boss’ ass?
WWE.com tried to get a word with Triple H as he left the arena Monday night about Mr. McMahon’s claims that The Game will join the Mr. McMahon Kiss My Ass Club next week at RAW in Pittsburgh. Triple H glared at our reporter and stormed to his car without saying a word.
It’s amazing that Triple H was even able to overcome the Spirit Jack Match. Two weeks after The Game accidentally leveled Shane McMahon with a sledgehammer, and one week after he failed to complete the job and end Shawn Michaels’ career with a blow to the head with his weapon of choice, Mr. McMahon placed The Game in this unique match against Kenny. It was reminiscent of a Lumber Jack Match, but instead of random Superstars surrounding the ring, it was every member of the Spirit Squad. So, essentially it was a 5-on-1 Handicap Match – the same kind of match that put Shawn Michaels out of commission just last week.
In fact, for a while it looked like Triple H was going to suffer the same fate that HBK met last week. On several occasions, Kenny utilized his numbers advantage to gang up on The Game. The Spirit Squad even targeted the same body part that they injured on the Showstopper – the knee. But Triple H was able to persevere. With Kenny primed for an aerial attack on the top rope, Triple H tossed Nicky into the ropes, causing Kenny to fall from his perch. Two other Squad members hopped up on the apron, but The Game quickly disposed of them, and tossed another member to the outside. With no one left to interfere, Triple H leveled Kenny with a Pedigree and picked up the improbable win.
The action didn’t stop there, though. After the match, irate at Kenny’s loss, the Squad ganged up on Triple H and brutally assaulted him. After slamming his head into the announce table, the Squad mocked the fact that Mr. McMahon had taken away his sledgehammer right before the match. Triple H backed himself up toward the announce table, and to the surprise of the Spirit Squad, The Game retrieved a second sledgehammer and sent the men in green and white into a retreat.
In other shocking news, it was announced earlier in the day on WWE.com that Paul Heyman would be granted a draft pick from both RAW and SmackDown for ECW, which is now going global. Before Heyman revealed what his two picks would be, though, he had a face-off with Mick Foley. While Foley said that Heyman resents that he became the biggest star that sports-entertainment has ever seen, Heyman said that Foley had become a cheap-shot taking whore. Foley was able to correctly predict that Heyman’s draft pick from RAW was none other than Mr. Money in the Bank and former ECW Television and Tag Team Champion Rob Van Dam. But Heyman also revealed his SmackDown draft pick, and it was a shocker. Heyman said it was somebody who embodies the new vision of ECW, and that somebody was former WWE and World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle. Angle stormed the ring and quickly took Foley off his feet and hit him with an Angle Slam. And it seemed all too appropriate that Angle’s mouthpiece sported the word “violence.” Just how violent will the Wrestling Machine become when he goes to the extreme? Only time will tell.
On June 11, Heyman’s RAW draft pick will go one on one against John Cena for the WWE Championship. When RAW hit the air, Mr. McMahon was scheduled to announce the new General Manager for the brand. But after much deliberation and several interviews, The Chairman decided that none of the applicants matched up to his lofty standards. But he did name a new Executive Assistant – Jonathan Coachman. Coachman came out and announced, among a couple other matches, Cena would be in action against an opponent he had never faced before.
It turned out that his opponent was former SmackDown Superstar Johnny Nitro. The former WWE Tag Team Champion and his manager Melina were fired from SmackDown at Judgment Day when Melina slapped General Manager Theodore Long across the face. But they landed on their feet very quickly and now have a new home on RAW. Their debuts weren’t very successful, however. Nitro jumped out to an early advantage, but Cena was able to hit an FU and the STFU to make the newest member of RAW tap out.
During the match Rob Van Dam had been out to provide guest commentary and scout his One Night Stand opponent. RVD went back and forth with Jerry “The King” Lawler trying to explain to him what ECW was all about. In fact, before RVD even came out to the announce table, Lawler had some choice words for another ECW alumnus, and current SmackDown announcer, Tazz. Lawler started to go off on Tazz on WWE.com Unlimited, and when RAW came back on the air, he continued his diatribe.
“Tazz used to be tough. They used to call him the human suplex machine,” said Lawler. “But now he’s just a joke-cracking, King Lawler wannabe. That’s all ECW is – a bunch of wannabes.”
And after Cena was victorious, Mr. Money in the Bank engaged in an intense stare-down with The Champ. While RVD was up on the apron, Nitro came back into the picture and tried to attack Cena. The Champ saw him coming, though, and tossed him into RVD, knocking them both to the outside. Will The Champ once again have the last laugh at One Night Stand? Or will RVD be able to show Cena what ECW is all about and make the WWE Championship the new ECW Championship?
While Cena will put the gold on the line at One Night Stand, RAW’s next pay-per-view, Vengeance, will be taking place in four weeks. With the event being right around the corner, a No. 1 contender match was held between two former WWE Champions – Edge and Big Show. The mammoth Big Show jumped out to an early advantage, but as usual, Lita got involved, trying to help her man Edge. With Big Show’s back turned, Edge brought a steel chair into the ring. Big Show saw it coming and swatted it out of the Rated R Superstar’s hands with his skillet-like fist. Lita countered with a low blow, but Big Show was able to shrug it off and went to chokeslam the Diva. The referee stopped him, but with the official distracted, Edge finally connected with the steel chair and flattened his enormous foe with a vicious spear for the win. At Vengeance Edge will have an opportunity to regain what he feels should still be his – the WWE Championship. But who will it be against – John Cena or Rob Van Dam?
WWE.com grabbed a word with Edge moments after he knocked off Big Show on RAW to become the No. 1 contender for the WWE Championship.
“Make sure you tuck the kiddies in early Sunday night, June 25, because on that night Vengeance will be R-Rated,” said an enthusiastic Edge. “I’m the Rated R Superstar, and I’m the No. 1 contender. Look what I did to the World’s Largest Athlete tonight. Imagine what I will do with the gold on the line. It is my year, it is my time!”
In another monster of a match, no pun intended, Shelton Benjamin defended the Intercontinental Championship against Kane. Benjamin used his athleticism to try and keep Kane off balance, but the Big Red Monster’s power seemed to be too much to overcome. Kane caught Shelton in a second-straight splash attempt in the corner and chokeslammed him to the mat with authority. But before he could make the pin attempt, red lights filled the Tacoma Dome, and Kane’s old entrance music hit. With that, what appeared to be a mirror image of Kane, complete with his old mask and ring attire, came to the ring and went face to face with the Big Red Monster. It was as if Kane was looking into his own soul. The mysterious figure hoisted Kane up and sent him crashing to the mat with a vicious chokeslam. Who was the mysterious figure and what does he want with Kane?
Plus, Viscera had revenge on his mind from last week in Las Vegas. It was then that Viscera proposed to Lilian Garcia. Before the RAW ring announcer could give the World’s Largest Love Machine an answer, Viscera was attacked by the Samoan Bulldozer Umaga. This week Viscera cornered Umaga’s manager Armando Alejandro Estrada, and told him that he wanted revenge on the Samoan Bulldozer. Before Viscera could even complete his entrance, though, Umaga ambushed him. Viscera could never recover, and moments later Umaga laid out Big Vis with his patented Samoan Spike to the throat for the win.
Beth Phoenix, who made her first RAW appearance a few weeks ago to join forces with Trish Stratus against Mickie James, saw her first in-ring action. With Trish by her side, Phoenix teamed up with Torrie Wilson to take on Victoria & Candice who also had Mickie James in their corner. Phoenix put on an impressive display and showed that she is a force to be reckoned with in the Women’s Division when she pinned Candice for the win – much to the chagrin of Women’s Champion Mickie James.
It was a jam-packed week on RAW, and Mr. McMahon’s new Executive Assistant was very pleased with the show and his first night on the job. WWE.com caught up with Jonathan Coachman after RAW went off the air.
“I am so thrilled Mr. McMahon has chosen me to be his right-hand man. I will not disappoint the boss or my many fans. RAW will be exciting, unpredictable and cutting edge,” said Coachman. “Look what I brought to all the great RAW fans my first night on the job: Kane vs. Shelton for the Intercontinental Championship, Big Show vs. Edge for the No. 1 contender slot for WWE Championship and even Cena vs. Johnny Nitro. I was also directly responsible for ‘persuading’ Melina to sign on with RAW and bring Nitro with her. Wait until you see what Mr. McMahon and I have in store for you next week on RAW.”
Intercontinental Champion Shelton Benjamin vs. Kane (no-contest)
Umaga def. Viscera
Beth Phoenix & Torrie Wilson def. Victoria & Candice
Triple H def. Kenny (Spirit Jack Match)
WWE Champion John Cena def. Johnny Nitro (non-title)
Edge def. Big Show (No. 1 Contender Match)